7th day

Not resting. This is the 7th day since Through the Darkness went live on Amazon. And, believe it or not, I am not a successful author on my way to tell my boss I’m out. I have this whole Scarlett O’Hara, Gone with the Wind fabulous, hair-flip and twirl exit pictured in my head.

So, the masses did not rush right out to scoop up my wares with a look of wonderment and fascination on their faces. Realistically, I knew this was an uphill battle from the start, but that didn’t stop the vivid imagination I possess to paint an “oh what it would be like” picture of improbability. Which means there was also that moment of disappointment when it didn’t happen.

To say I’ve had some unrealistic expectations, would be an understatement. Partly, because I didn’t know I had them, not all of them. For example, I have a friend and a family member who both have been really supportive. They pre-ordered my book. They gushed about their excitement in getting to read my book and how cool it was to know an author. I began to get frustrated when they had my book for what felt like weeks and, yet, they hadn’t finished it. They tell me how much they enjoy it, love it, can’t put it down and yet, here we are. It wasn’t until I said it out loud that I realized although it felt like weeks to me, it had been 5 days. These are very busy ladies whose husbands work away and they are left to manage their lives and children. Reading is a luxury they get to indulge for a few minutes at a time and I am honored they’re using my book for this small escape.

Now, friends, I did not intend to have ill thoughts and it was not a reflection of my opinion of them, but of myself. “My book isn’t as good as I thought…” “If I’d written it better…” “I’m kidding myself.” “I wanted to write a book so good they devoured it in a day. I’ve failed.” “What if it’s horrible and no one will tell me and I’m out here looking like a fool?” On and on my brain spun these negative thoughts and, if I’m being honest, still does.

I didn’t make this post as a woe-is-me or to garner sympathy. I wrote it because so often we feel like we’re the only ones who feel a certain way when it’s not true. We all have self-doubt. We all allow ourselves to have expectations that are sky high and feel disappointed when we fail to reach them. But that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.

Keep working. Keep playing. Keep your head up. Keep going.

Thanks for listening,

J.D. Caren

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